I’m all out of loooove, I’m so lost without youuu.

http://youtu.be/JWdZEumNRmI

Before the advent of the internet religous crazies had to stand screaming on street corners to spread their message of hellfire and rapture. Nowadays this is no longer the case. The internet has given a much louder voice to these horrible people so they can now irritate and perplex a far larger volume of people than they could standing piss-stained and rambling at a bus station. But with great power, comes great craziness…

Have you ever wanted to marry Jesus Christ? Well you’re in luck as self proclaimed apostle (and wife) of the lovely Jesus Christ is here to guide you: Apostle Ron

God decided to pay a visit to Ron and gave him the authority of being the official buddy of a famous dead guy. Not only that, but God proposed to Ron and is now using him as a mouth piece to get us all to marry him. Ron is a holy pimp.

Ron is suggesting that the Christian God is a cosmic polygamist; not the Mormon God (who actually is and is called Jehovah 2: Electric Boogaloo or some shit).

If Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly and Kirk Cameron are to be believed then God hates gays and gay marriage. Isn’t he breaking these rules by also marrying men? It’s one rule for God and another rule for the rest for humanity; what a hypocritical cock!

Why does God/Jesus get to be the husband and his gay partner the wife? That’s just unfair, what if the men don’t want to be the wives? God wears the trousers it appears.

If any of this was true then the Pope would have a harem of choir boys that he’d have married. Moving on…

“How do I marry Jesus?” I hear you cry. Well it’s quite simple really,

if you’re baptised you’re already married to Jesus. So what do you do to consumate your marriage with him?

Ron recommends you take a stroll into your bedroom and close the door (and perhaps light some scented candles and play the smooth tones of Barry White).  Now it’s time to get physical, and be prepared. Ron notes that this relationship is more physical than any marriage you can experience on Earth. ANY RELATIONSHIP he says. Yes, this marriage is more intense than anything you’ve seen on the filthiest websites of the internet. You better not have any heart conditions or an adversion to anal.

In sincerity though, I really do wonder what Ron means by having a physical relationship with God. Is he suggesting that you have a chug (a wank) while you think of Jesus Christ?

This must be some incredible sex with Jesus if he can stick it in you and make you one of his apostles. Did Jesus run about 2000 years ago sticking his dick into 12 different men to make them his apostles? If so, it has been removed from the Bible. Perhaps that is the Da Vinci code, or some sort of pornographic version anyway.

Ron’s craziness isn’t specific to an obscure website and religion, no he’s branched out to YouTube and various other ridiculous theories.

Ron Talks of Fossilisation and the Big Bang:

As a Christian lunatic Ron believes that evolution is a farce.  As God’s first wife he is more qualified to talk about evolutionary biology. I do enjoy his incredibly persuasive argument of why fossilisation is impossible, all fossils in the world are obviously fake. His argument to prove the big bang is false is equally revolutionary, “everytime you throw a firecracker out there planets would go everywhere”. Incredible. Those “stoopid guillable” scientists better watch out, the sharp educated mind of Ron is debunking all your silly theories built on hundreds of years of experiment and thought.

Ron and the Moon Landings:

NASA is full of God damned “LIERS”. Why don’t they point that Hubble space telescope at the moon and take pictures of the moon? Well the problem is that objects on the moon are very, very small and galaxies are very, very big. It’s like using a camera to take a picture of a bacterium. Just because you can’t do it doesn’t mean they don’t…well…who am I kidding? Ron is God’s no. 1 wife. He knows more about physics than everyone at NASA, so much so that Ron is demanding to take the place of the engineers in charge of the Hubble space telescope. I agree, what NASA needs is a crazy man with no scientific knowledge to run their operations. It will cut down on NASA’s expenditure and also see an exponential increase in crazy shit built. Cross shaped rockets? Check. A telescope used to find God? Check. Bibles attached to rockets to convert aliens? Check.

Ron is a wonderful religous lunatic, he believes that he’s married to Jesus and is a creationist. Unfortunately there is no evidence of self mutilation or consumption of fecal matter. For this he gets 3.5 out of 5 possible Buseys.

Introducing Mr. Mentalist, a man who has to write about awful people on the internet every 2 weeks because we said so. Mr. Mentalist will be writing a post about a new terrible person he has found surfing along the internet seas, and giving us deep insight into their psyche (He’s like Freud or some shit I don’t even know).

Hopefully this should fill the void in the heart of our 1 reader.

This downtime gave me and Mike time to think about how much making fun of awful Roleplayers gets in the way of our own Roleplaying and video game playing, so we have decided to change our site format to an update every two weeks on wednesdays. This will allow us to GET OUR GAME ON and will prevent us from getting through content too quickly, as there are only so many bad roleplayers in the world.

Thank you in advance for not hurting me.

Oh no not Biohunters I love those guys

Mike: We’ve got an extremely long winded one lined up today. This one’s just about as old as dirt and it really shows in the enormous and convoluted backstory.

Jack: I have had the misfortune of reading this one in advance, and it’s pretty fucking awful.

Mike: I just don’t get it. It’s like one massive stinky pile of cliches and awfully convenient plot points.

Jack: Let’s get this trainwreck rolling.

Mike: Oh red and blue, sure, that’s not a gaudy color combination at all.

Jack: I like how he has to put a spider on the front because his suit looks nothing like a spider.

Mike: Yeah, I know. He could just as well made his costume a solid color and been Lycra fetish man. Because that’s the impression I get from this costume design.

Jack: The Great Lakes Avengers already had a member like that. Goes by the name of Leather Boy.

Mike: And to the left, we see Lycra fetish man, who has found his next victim.

Jack: Am I really to believe this guy built web-spinners himself? I can’t suspend my disbelief to THAT extent, Stanley.

Mike: I’m more worried about the spider bite. Since when does being bitten by a radioactive spider make you anything but slightly annoyed?

Jack: In Britain our radioactive spiders do no more than leave glowing web lying around your bedroom where you least expect it.

Mike: So Porker got super spider powers and the first thing he does is put on Lycra and wrestle with some sweaty men for money. Then his uncle dies and he becomes a super hero. The writer has some severe issues he needs to sort out.

Jack: Excelsior!

 Mike: I bet sharing a room with the son of your oldest enemy seemed like a GREAT idea at the time.

Jack: When writing a superhero backstory, it is of paramount importance that you write about their education.

Mike: I like how he’s been in and out of like 3 relationships at this point already. I mean one of them sorta died but he should have honestly tried better to stop that. Maybe he just didn’t care.

Jack: If you were punching villains as amazing as ‘The Rhino’ on a daily basis, would you give a shit?

Mike: That’s a fair point.

Mike: Ok Stan seriously, a living suit as a villain?

Mike: What. The. Fuck.

Jack: Looks like Eddie Brock isn’t this fellow’s only critic, ho ho ho.

Mike: Venom wanted Porker inside him but then got jealous and ran off to Brock I guess. Then he tried to join a super group but got kicked out for being a little creeper.

Jack: Apparently he’s so shit at hiding his identity, a generic damsel in distress could tell who he was.

Mike: Oops, better hide the evidence by throwing her off the bridge with your other girlfriend.

Mike: What, clones? What clones? It suddenly starts talking about some clones garbage

Jack: And fucking baby stealing? Stanley could probably be considered legally insane at this point.

Mike: I feel bad for Ben Reily. He gets to be Spider-guy for a little while and then heroically throws himself infront of a glider, fulfilling his purpose as a throw-away clone. He will be sorely missed.

Jack: R.I.P.

Mike: Oh no now everyone will know my secret. The secret some dumb red bimbo managed to figure out years ago.

Jack: I like to think that when he announced who he was, Dr. Doom shouted from the audience “NO SHIT ASSHOLE”

Mike: I don’t see why Brock had to be in Aunt May’s room to kill himself. Just seems like he’d disturb the poor woman’s sleep or something.

Jack: Aunt May just needs to hurry the fuck up and die.

Mike: “Dude, you want me to make everyone not realize you’re Spider-guy? I’m the devil, not god. I don’t do miracles.”

Mike: Oh man that is what I want in my super hero roleplay. Plot lines about insurance fraud and the internet.

Jack: I like how it mentions that he had a relationship with Black Cat in-costume. The sex must have been AMAZING.

Mike: There’s also an evil clone called Kaine now. Sure, why not. Can’t have enough clones.

Mike: This backstory involves a lot of kidnapping and throw-away characters dying.

Jack: What good story doesn’t?

Jack: The old dead baby switcheroo. A classic supervillain trick.

Mike: It’s actually pretty funny that that exact same thing happens twice but it probably wasn’t meant to be

Jack: So Spider-guy knows Iron Guy but can’t pay rent. Stanley’s writing talent just gets better and better.

Mike: He probably told him to quit mooching and get a proper job. Iron guy is kind of an asshole.

Jack: He reminds me of my Dad, by which I mean my Dad is a horrible alcoholic.

Mike: This whole thing just reeks of wish fulfillment.

Jack: I can’t work in teams CAN I BE A MEMBER OF THE FANTASTIC FOUR GUUUUUYS

Mike: Everyone probably just gets tired of him being a sperg and tell him to fuck off.

Mike: Being able to stick to walls isn’t much of a super power. I can do that with enough super glue.

Jack: He has to roll with punches so he doesn’t break wrists? How CONVENIENT DARE I SAY.

Mike: He also punched out a T-rex once in 1 hook. Spider-guy is why the dinosaurs went extinct.

Jack: See what the fuck I mean? He’s such bros with Iron Guy that he was given a badass suit by him, yet he still can’t pay rent.

Mike: I wonder why he didn’t just keep that suit when he switched sides. I mean, I’m sure that would have been handy to have around.

Jack: Oh Stanley… Giving your superhero their own themed vehicle does not make them cool.

Mike: I wonder if the Spider mobile looked any more like a spider than Spider-guy does.

Mike: What have we learned?

Jack: Rich people are absolute dicks to lesser superguys.

Mike: All you need to do to fight crime is get really buff, flex your muscles and let your enemies break their own wrists.

Mike: You ever get that feeling like you really want to do something but then you actually do and you’ve lost complete interest in it?

Mike: I mean, you think it’s gonna be really exciting and fun, like having sex, but then it ends up being tedious and painful, like having sex with me.

Jack: I pretty much have that for everything I ever do, but I don’t have much going for me in life.

Mike: Let’s just get this over with before we kill ourselves.

Jack: Just give me a minute, I can’t quite get this noose to stay up.

Mike: If I played the same character for 24 years I’m sure everyone would hate me as well.

Jack: If the concept and name were different back then, doesn’t that mean they’re pretty much different characters?

Mike: You just don’t understand how emotionally connected she is with her werewolf

Mike: Which might I add, is NOT a WoD werewolf and stop suggesting that it is you plebe

Jack: I had to look up what WoD is and I still don’t know what the fuck

Mike: The fact that this person actually plays Werewolf: the apocalypse speaks volumes about what we’re dealing with here.

Jack: Chun-Li really let herself go, god damn.

Jack: I’ve never seen such a heroic looking wolfmanlady.

Mike: Her second form is indistinguishable from her Human form, except for all the fur everywhere and all that other shit I just said.

Jack: I once knew a homeless lady who looked just like that. We upper-classmen called her Crazy Jane because she was, believe it or not, absolutely batshit insane. I wonder what happened to her?

Mike: Maybe she got a haircut and did something with her life, like play the same character in every single game she played after.

Jack: Actually wait, I remember now. She died in a pretty horrible murder-suicide. I was at the funeral and everything. Huh.

 Mike: I like how she lists weaknesses and then back paddles to disqualify them as actual significant weaknesses.

Jack: It just hit me. This person is pretty much playing as a regular Werewolf in a superhero MMO. What in the fuck?

Mike: It’s like a regular Werewolf only there’s sort of an awkward in-between phase where you get really hairy pits.

Jack: There’s a puberty joke in there somewhere, but I seriously cannot find it.

Mike: Can you really say it’s albinism if all it does is change your eye color?

Jack: Holy god damn shit, she pushed a dude so hard he flew all the way down a fucking street?

Mike: So she’s an awkward and shy girl who one day realizes her body is going through some changes and then pushes a guy down a street and finds blood that she doesn’t know why it’s there for. What were you saying about puberty again?

Jack: It’s Spider-man all over again.

Mike: No seriously, can’t you see the obvious parallel? Her clothes are even torn. And her shoes are gone for some reason.

Jack: In the British slums, waking up covered in blood without your shoes is pretty ordinary.

Mike: I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone work the Rikti invasion into their RP backstory. It’s just something you don’t bother with.

Jack: Don’t you usually use images relevant to the adjescant text in wiki articles?

Mike: I guess she needed to find a way to work that horrible FeFox image in somehow. Justify the fact she commissioned some talentless hack.

Jack: Unlike my many commissions from BlackKusanagi.

Mike: BlackKusunagi? I LOVE THAT GUY

Mike: The familiar feeling of laying on her back, naked.

Jack: Why can’t the Dogz and the Werewolves just get along?

Mike: I seriously think this might be the shortest backstory we’ve ever handled so far. For a 24 year old character she sure has little to show for it..

Jack: Maybe she figured she’d actually RP rather than write about RPing?

Mike: Funny, with people like this prowling the streets, I prefer it the other way around.

Mike: Terra dreams of FeFox (sneaking into her house and feeling her up)

Jack: Dragonberry sounds like some bizarre euphamism for burning hemmerhoids.

Mike: I had Dragonberries once.

Mike: Wait, she’s a mother of 2 and fought some guy called “Hro’Dtohz” but she didn’t think to write either of this into her backstory?

Jack: I can’t make you a Werewolf BY THE WAY (Also click here to learn how to become one yourself).

Mike: I also like her attitude towards the Longbow. In the highly polarized world of pre-Going rogue CoX, her character is the only unique snowflake to see THE TRUTH

Jack: The said words would not just be censored on prime time television, but also on radio, so you know it must be bad. I heard Elton John say Fuck at 9 in the morning on the radio once.

Mike: I’m sure you’ve had enough of this but because this is a special case, I’m not letting you off this easy.

Jack: Oh look it’s some of this fuck again oh boy

Mike: She’s a mischievious free spirit who relishes doing the same thing for 24 years and counting.

Jack: Why is it Silverspar appears to be uploading the work of other artists to her DA?

Mike: Oh yeah, this is more like it

Jack: Aww hell yeah starting to get hot in here

Mike: I vote we take a 5 minute break

Jack: I already finished.

Mike: Don’t forget to give props to Fel when you post this

Jack: So did she just never replace those shoes or what.

Mike: It’s hard to buy shoes if you sit on a pillar looking smug all day

Jack: One of the more unfortunate traits of this character.

Mike: At least Champions is gonna be rid of her soon.

Jack: Her hair looks like a gigantic cartoon bird head, what the hell?

Jack: I just noticed her feet are on backwards. This would finally explain why she never seems to wear shoes.

Mike: Does TOR even allow you to have animal ears?

Jack: If Bioware knows their fanbase, then signs point to yes.

Mike: That wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought but not nearly as bad as I hoped either.

Jack: We’ve probably just been desensitised.

Mike: Well either way, we’re done with Silverspar, so I can finally die happy. Any parting thoughts?

Jack: I just found my Dad’s cyanide.

Mike: Why would you take cyanide if you’re already set up for hanging yourself?

Jack: Have you ever tried hanging yourself from a light fitting? They’re not very strong.

(Jack refuses to acknowledge werewolves as being furry.)

Sources:

Virtueverse

Deviantart

Mike: Today on Biohunters, we’ll be doing things a bit differently. This is as much a case study of the character and the person playing it as it is the kind of company he keeps and the sort of roleplay they get into.

Jack: If the last post was any indication, this is going to be wonderful.

Mike: It’s not all bad. It did help me discover my latent attraction to poorly drawn disfigured women.

Mike: This is just about the most obsessive thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

Jack: Okay what the fuck is this shit.

Mike: 67 categories of pure bliss right here. Doesn’t get much sweeter than this.

Jack: You know, things like Spider-man are still ongoing, and his Marvel wiki article has absolutely nothing on this.

Mike: Look at the scroll bar I included, and how the tiny little thing is dwarfed by the rest of the bar.

Jack: Is this page the rough draft of their novel?

Mike: Let’s see what this aspiring writer has to offer.

Mike: His shit is so big that he’s actually given theme songs to the sections of his fucking wiki. That sounds like meta humor.

Jack: I think it sounds fucking stupid, but I’ve never really done something like this before.

Mike: Theme songs are marked in red. Green are links to in-character fan fiction that expand on her character, since the article itself was obviously not enough. I will be penalizing him for both.

Jack: It’s for the best.

Jack: You know, I can stay awake for entire nights, but I wouldn’t class it as a superpower. I just have a video game addiction the likes of which could only be solved by way of intervention.

Mike: I assume it becomes a super power the moment you can read this entire article without either falling asleep or becoming suicidally depressed.

Mike: This seems to imply all women with insomnia are prostitutes.

Jack: Have you ever met a woman with insomnia who wasn’t one?

Mike: I haven’t met any, which I guess could mean they don’t even exist.

Mike: You know, I don’t see how being able to sit around for 2 hours with no sleep and then be able to function perfectly for the rest of the day would condemn you to a life of prostitution.

Jack: Listing ‘Barbie Girl’ as the theme song is so appropriate I don’t even have the words. Bravo, Blue.

Mike: Pain, tears and arguments are kind of the recurring themes of this bio. Both in concept and when reading it.

Jack: Don’t forget the harsh words.

Mike: I have this weird internal conflict going on about the METAchron. On one hand I don’t really give a fuck what it is, but on the other I want to know if it’s some kind of Transformer.

Jack: If I’ve learnt anything about Roleplaying from these people, it’s that I can pretend it’s a Transformer and everything will be okay.

Mike: It’s a sentient car that turns into a robot, because it appreciates the irony.

Mike: I am not at all surprised that this is starting to move into Twilight territory.

Jack: There really isn’t much I can say about this other than ‘Why?’. Does this person actually intend to SELL their novel based on this shit?

Mike: I’m sure tons of writers started off like this. The difference is that other authors eventually get published.

Jack: I think if you start pulling people apart and shower in their blood, you should lose the right to get uppity when a dude feels like murdering a flat full of hookers. Just my opinion.

Mike: This is why you don’t let other people dictate what happens to your character. Especially with all the warning flags their characters give off.

Jack: Theme Song: So Cold in the D

Mike: As I was highlighting this I realized that I totally forgot about the bandana, not even sure if it was mentioned until now.

Mike: Somehow I think the author felt the same way when it happened.

Jack: Do you really have the patience to look if it was? I know I don’t.

Mike: I guess I could, if I really really hated myself.

Jack: I’ll wait.

Mike: I didn’t highlight that conversation for you to read, more for you to acknowledge that it exists and scoff at it, like I did.

Jack: Paragraphs

Every

Few

Words

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Mike: Note that unlike most of the other stuff, this actually happens RIGHT AFTER Cel gets killed. Clearly he thought so highly of this guy’s roleplaying he wrote this into his own bio.

Jack: Well you know what they say. A slut without any responsibility for her actions is still a slut.

Mike: I’m gonna pretend to know what you’re talking about.

Mike: Look at the bar. That last picture is literally as far as I got.

Mike: No living person can stomach through this entire bio, I seriously think it’s impossible.

Jack: This person liked Dexter? Great, another thing I’m made to feel awkward for liking because of Roleplayers.

Mike: It does explain why he has a rather below average understanding of how mental illness and modern asylums work.

Mike: Isn’t it a bit premature to be thinking of actors when your book isn’t even published yet?

Jack: You just don’t think ahead. This is why nobody has taken on your screenplay yet.

Mike: Even the fucking notes at the bottom are like 6 paragraphs long. What the fuck is wrong with this guy?

Jack: Oh it’s a guy? I would never have guessed.

Mike: I’m just assuming because you’d think a woman would have better things to do than write this shit. Like ovulate or something.

Jack: Is an entire section for jewelery really needed? Couldn’t it just be put into—Actually forget it people like this won’t give a shit about our critique.

Mike: I think it’s roughly as necessary as pointing out everyone you’ve ever dueled in an RP bio.

Jack: It is deep and you just do not get it.

Jack: This person is in more supergroups than Spider-man.

Jack: Actually, I wouldn’t go that far.

Mike: Those are organizations, not super groups. Totally different.

Mike: 1,106 people have looked at this page and immediately shut it off, then never looked back again.

Jack: All that effort into a ridiculously long RP bio, and with less views than our shitty little site.

Mike: I’m sure there’ll be the inevitable backlash of people saying it’s unfair that I didn’t read it all. To that I say: I skimmed the rest and it’s pretty much all stupid tween romance crap.

Jack: The appropriate level of reading for the people who will say that, oddly enough.

Mike: I hope his terrible novel gets published, so I get to not read it a second time.

Jack: If Twilight is any indication, it will be a bestseller. That, or no publisher will take it on for obvious reasons.

Mike: It will be the second longest novel the world has ever seen.

Sources:

The ridiculously huge article in question

Spider-man’s less ridiculously huge article

Two websites, both alike in content

On the fair internet, where we lay our scene

From pretty recent grudge break to new mutiny,

Where cheeto dust makes civil hands unclean

From forth the fatal loins (haha dongs) of these two foes

A pair of star-cross’d gaylords take their life;

Whose misadventured piteous bullshit

Do with their death bury their website’s strife

The fearful passage of their death-mark’d roleplaying,

ANd the continuance of their userbase’s rage,

Which, but their user’s end, nought could remove,

Is now the next 5 minutes’ traffic of our stage;

The which if you without ADD attent,

What here shall miss, our toilet shall strive to mend.

Mike: Give me a keyboard: I am not for this ambling; Being but heavy, I will bear the repetetive strain injury

Jack: Nay, gentle Mike, we must have you dance.

Mike: Not I, believe me: you have dancing shoes with nimble soles: I have a booty of lead so stakes me to the ground I cannot move. (help me)

Jack: You are a homo; borrow Cupid’s wings, and soar with them above a common bound.

Mike: I am too sore penetrated with his shaft (haha boners) to soar with his light feathers, and so bound, I cannot bound a pitch above my heavy ass: Under my arses heavy burden do I sink.

Jack: And, to sink in it, should you eat a lot; Too great oppression for a tender thing.

Mike: Is my bum a tender thing? it is too rough, too rude, too farty, and it constantly has pricks in it

Jack: If booties be rough with you, be rough with booties; Prick sphincters for pricking, and you beat arses down. Give me a case to put my wang in: a dick for a dick! what care I what curious horrifying deformities the Champions Online RPers have? Here are the beetle brows shall blush for me.

Bioboy: Come, knock and enter; and no sooner in, but every man betake him to spread his legs.

Mike: A torch for me to beat down Bioboy: let wantons light of heart tickle his funny bone as I break it with my heels, for I am proverb’d with a grandsire phrase; I’ll be a candle-holder, and look on like a Kobold. The game was ne’er so fair, and I am done with this shit.

Jack: Tut, dun’s the Bioboy, the constable’s own word: If thou art dun, we’ll drew thee from the mire. Of this sir-reverence booty, wherein though stick’st up the bum. Come, we burn daylight and hookers!

Mike: Nay, fuck off.

  Jack: I mean, sir, in delay We waste our lights in vain, like lamps by day. Take our good meaning, for our judgments are shits fibe times in that ere once in our five wits.

Mike: And we mean well in going to the CORP forums; But ’tis no wit to go.

Jack: Why the fuck, may one ask?

Mike: I dream’d a dream to-night.

Jack: So did I, what the shit is your point.

Mike: Well, what the fuckdamn was yours?

Jack: That you’re a fucking liar, asshole.

Mike: Yeah well it seemed pretty fucking true while it was happening, dickswagger.

Jack: O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you.

She is the fairies’ midwife, and she comes

In shape no bigger than an agate-stone

On the fore-finger of an alderman,

Drawn with a team of little atomies

Athwart men’s noses as they lie asleep;

Her wagon-spokes made of long spiders’ legs,

The cover of the wings of grasshoppers,

The traces of the smallest spider’s web,

The collars of the moonshine’s watery beams,

Her whip of cricket’s bone, the lash of film,

Her wagoner a small grey-coated gnat,

Not so big as a round little worm

Prick’d from the lazy finger of a maid;

Her chariot is an empty hazel-nut

Made by the joiner squirrel or old grub,

Time out o’ mind the fairies’ coachmakers.

And in this state she gallops night by night

Through lovers’ brains, and then they dream of love;

O’er courtiers’ knees, that dream on court’sies straight,

O’er lawyers’ fingers, who straight dream on fees,

O’er ladies ‘ lips, who straight on kisses dream,

Which oft the angry Mab with blisters plagues,

Because their breaths with sweetmeats tainted are:

Sometime she gallops o’er a courtier’s nose,

And then dreams he of smelling out a suit;

And sometime comes she with a tithe-pig’s tail

Tickling a parson’s nose as a’ lies asleep,

Then dreams, he of another benefice:

Sometime she driveth o’er a soldier’s neck,

And then dreams he of cutting foreign throats,

Of breaches, ambuscadoes, Spanish blades,

Of healths five-fathom deep; and then anon

Drums in his ear, at which he starts and wakes,

And being thus frighted swears a prayer or two

And sleeps again. This is that very Mab

That plats the manes of horses in the night,

And bakes the elflocks in foul sluttish hairs,

Which once untangled, much misfortune bodes:

This is the hag, when maids lie on their backs,

That presses them and learns them first to bear,

Making them women of good carriage:

This is she–

Mike: Shut the fuck up, Jack, for the love of fuck. You’re talking shit.

Mike: And welcome back to Biohunters.

Mike: So Jack, how is the internet celebrity lifestyle suiting you?

Jack: I have been recognized in the street at least twice in the last hour

Mike: Funny, I can’t really picture you outside of your house. Doesn’t seem like it’d be your territory.

Jack: I ran out of Mountain Dew

Mike: I hope you stocked up on it then because you’re gonna need it once you see this one.

Jack: Unfortunately not, a stray cat looked at me funny so I ran back home.

Mike: 1/4ths god, 3/4ths Greek, ALL WOMAN

Jack: Mike, I changed my mind, I don’t want to do this anymore.

Mike: Too late now. You’ve grown accustomed to the lifestyle. How else are you gonna feed your 20 dollars a day Mountain Dew addiction?

Jack: You know how authors like to put parts of themselves into characters? Well ‘Helena Atalanta Cynthius’ is 5820 pounds. Take from that what you will.

Mike: Maybe I’m a sexist or something but I wouldn’t want to be with a woman who can caber toss me into another continent, so the appeal is lost on me.

Jack: I’m just gonna link to a page about Greece incase you don’t know what that is

Mike: I am a man who can appreciate the more feminine side of 5820 pounds worth of muscle.

Jack: Why do these people write these like shitty plots instead of brief backstories?

Mike: I don’t see the logic behind hiding who they really were. The Greek gods were dickheads, they’d exploit that shit for all it’s worth.

Mike: “Hey baby, I’m Hercules. Yeah, I’m kind of a big deal. Want to see me shovel some shit out of a barn?”

Jack: Oh Hercules, I do declare

Mike: This just gets better and better.

Jack: You know when you try to talk to your cousin but they beat the shit out of you?

Jack: Happens to me all the time.

Mike: Apparently there’s no such thing as a restraining order in Greece. Or any buildings, if these two really went at it as frequently as this seems to imply.

Mike: That’s her little sister, just an FYI

Jack: Clearly

Jack: Her breasts seem to be trying really hard to escape from eachother. If you can call them breasts at this point.

Mike: In what universe can you call pink eyes and black and red hair normal I wonder. Probably this guy’s own little personal one.

Jack: When your superhero makes somebody like Nightcrawler look normal, you need to stop. Just stop.

Mike: I think all those other muscle girls are played by other players, which must mean there are more people like this in the world.

Jack: I have always been pro-choice. This is honestly the only reason.

Mike: So the little sister is now even buffer and has come back to, what else, beat the shit out of her again. I’m starting to see a pattern developing.

Jack: No, really?

Mike: I think it’s pretty fucking annoying that she apparently found another hilariously oversized muscle girl who happens to be a Lesbian and into other muscle girls and I can’t even get a god damn date.

Jack: You need to get really fucking buff, bro.

Mike: Now this is just getting silly.

Jack: Are you seriously trying to tell me it was anything but that before now?

Mike: You seem a little on-edge this time around. What’s wrong, you intimidated by the strong, independent women?

Mike: Sexist.

Jack: That’s the reason I play nothing but JRPGs, Mike, and you fucking know it.

Mike: There was more backstory but I don’t think anyone but the author’s mom has read it.

Jack: Those are some really inspired superhero names.

Mike: I didn’t say it earlier but given the context, Crush hour sounds like some kind of horrific sex act.

Jack: That reminds me, did I tell you about my new Superhero idea? His name is Cleveland Steamer.

Jack: His powers are unspeakable

Mike: Is he in a loving relationship with Dirty Sanchez?

Jack: Ex-husband of Rusty Trombone.

Mike: So much for the main article, but we still have a bit of nitty gritty to attend to I’m afraid.

Jack: There’s more of this fucking shit?!

Mike: Not only is he a talented roleplayer and writer, but an artist as well!

Jack: I worry for a society where 40 people want this person to do commissions.

Mike: They all look pretty similar as well save for the hair and clothes. You could probably photoshop one of his pictures and get the same result for free.

Jack: You seriously have no idea how thankful I am for the DeviantArt mature filter

Jack: WHY.

Mike: I’m starting to think this guy has a one track mind or something.

Mike: What was your guestimation of his weight again?

Jack: I’d say 300 pounds

Mike: Every single person reading this is now a racist.

Jack: This explains the booties that I assume are quite large.

Mike: I feel like we shouldn’t do this anymore. I’d rather make fun of someone who can’t beat me up in a fight.

Jack: That doesn’t leave us with much choice

Mike: He’s got a sweet neck beard though.

Mike: Ugh, so, what have we learned today then?

Jack: All I feel is pain.

Jack: End it for me. Please.

Mike: I’m gonna go do some fucking push-ups.

Source links lead to old PRIMUS database, might contain the RP ebola virus. Enter at own risk.

Gruff Lesbian muscle girl

Gruff Lesbian muscle girl’s practically identical cousin